| multiple me... |
[12 Mar 2004|06:21pm] |
I begin to wonder where I’ve been, where I’m going and how did I get here. It’s like one day everything was going perfect, I was full of fight…full of flight. Then suddenly I find my wings clipped, I find I’ve fallen and I’m left wondering why. Why travel all this way just to find I’ve actually not moved at all.
So it begs the question. What’s the life about? What’s the motivation? To be or not to be…either way, does it really matter? I could just sit here and rot, it doesn’t matter. I could make moves and be termed a ‘success’…yet I know it doesn't matter.
(stop : look : breathe : feel)
This new feeling is smooth, it’s untouched, unknown. People won’t be writing books about this one, its ever changing, it knows no box. Moves in all directions at once, backwards included! You can’t tame this thing, you can’t direct it, all you can do is just be it, move with it, become it. I used to jest about being a Chameleon, now it seems the Chameleon I have become. Changing colour, changing mood, changing direction as I see fit.
We’ve arrived at a new space, a dangerous place. You can stay here all your life if you wish. Make a choice, follow it through, become something you are not, something you never wished to be. Expand the dream, open new eyes…challenge everything, accept all in heart. Heal yourself from yourself.
Who I am today is not who I am tomorrow. Box me at your peril, follow me if your fool. Its so easy to be closed now, so easy to be cynical. I have to work to keep an open heart these days, its easy to believe in nothing, let the dis-ease take over and proclaim “that’s just the way it is…”. Been there, done that…as said, don’t follow the fool.
In times of need you’ll find me here, waiting, listening for your call. I understand, no words need making, no actions to describe…put simply…I understand. Lesson: 44 says, begin from the beginning, the journey never ends, let the heart be open, slowly I descend(?).
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| some old stuff... |
[18 Feb 2004|05:37am] |
Am burning some of my old college work to disk. Have uploaded a few images. Not massive, but a little bandwidth would help :)
( view some pics? )
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| moment of inspiration... |
[17 Feb 2004|09:03pm] |
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Two months of mayhem and I think I'm coming back to my senses. Been rolling on a tangent. I've been against everything...against everyone. I written something earlier about outer confidence being a shield for my inner sensitivity. Believe me, I took the outer confidence thing to extremes. Cops, helicopters, crashes, fists, dark planning, dark manifestation, etc, etc, etc! Okay, I'm done with it now. You see, that's the funny thing. I feel torn between two worlds, one of harmony, one of disruption. Thing is, I actually like both, because I actually learn from both.
But still, enough drama. The truth of moi now takes over. Calmness over nuttiness any day. Am pulling what's inside out into the open. So, expect this journal to change. A more light-hearted-adventure no doubt. Was using livejournal as a testing ground I guess. To be uber-cool is not of this soul. To gain insight and share insight 'is', to love and be loved 'is', as said...from here on out I switch. I nearly started believing the rape-murder-death-kill world was real, then I remembered...its their 'news'...not 'my' news! Free the heart and the mind will follow. Back to squareOne again,...so, here we go again(?)
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| addicted... |
[12 Feb 2004|08:12pm] |
Am needing to sort my shit out again. Think I need some routine back in my life. Currently running a regime of bed around 6:00am, rise around 11/12 ish. Surely this ain't good. On top of that I think I'm addicted to the net. My days are flittering by, no content, not enough being achieved. Creatively I'm on fire(graphics, websites, video, music), yet in 'real' life I'm screwing about. Its took me 3 months to do 3 weeks worth of work. This is not good, this is not good at all, especially as I now seek payment.
Right, I'm off out, 'hospital records' are playing at a bar in town. I need to chill for a few hours. Have a little drink and partake in some musical science for the soul. Au revoir for now...
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| happy valentines indeed... |
[11 Feb 2004|07:14pm] |
I'm not getting what all the fuss is about. Am on about Valentine's an all that. For one of the first times I feel quite cool and collected about it all. Figure this is quite a dangerous place to be, single and contented...emotionally stable infact.
Keep hearing all these singles moaning about their loneliness, telling me how they hate valentines, why...what's the prob? Pissed off cus you don't get to go sit in a fancy restaurant, stare into a lovers eyes, or maybe they're tripping about the hot drunken sex they won't be gettin...mmm....I wonder, do they really think they're missing that much? Boy, the mind boggles...
A day about love, come on....how can you really go wrong! I got asked this question the other day, meaningless sex...or love? Answer was, meaningful-slappable-love-fuelled-sex (of course!). But seriously, the libido's in check. Captivate the mind, and the body's sure to follow. I get more fun just probing women these days...i.e: are they hot or not for real!!! First contact, the lingering gaze, the uncomfortable silence, and of course...the first kiss. Shit...it does seem like I'm turning into the hopeless romantic that I always feared I was. But still, rather the hopeless-romantic than the cynical-and-jaded-loveless-whore. Incidentally, I've been both...the latter is fun, but most definitely over rated.
Anyway, I feel kinda loved up today. As such, something good approaches(?). Nuff love & ting to those who are prepared to have a heart, nuff sex & ting to those who still be flingin it about....its all about personal preference, thus...enjoy!!!
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[11 Feb 2004|06:28pm] |
current mood is...
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| Me 'n' Underwear... |
[04 Feb 2004|01:12pm] |
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For all of 5 minutes my life turned into a Benny Hill meets Carry On film sketch today.
I'm nearly done exchanging a few items of clothing that needed to be returned (i.e: dodgy christmas presents). So, today it was underwear...I enter the store (big department store by the way), go to the underwear section, find what I want (3 pack of nice whites incidentally!)...and surprise, surprise, my size is missing! Understand this, people take the piss about how the British are kinda prude, polite and its manners all round. Take note, British wit is blatant yet conniving, a very sneakily executed art infact. That said, this shit wasn't sneakily executed at all.
As it goes I'm a slim kinda guy....athletic where I need to be, but still...slim. Thus, the underwear I want is in a 'small'....shit, there...I said it. I don't know if its a man thing or what, but small and underwear just don't go together, its like an attack on my manhood. And just for the record, if dick size determined underwear size I think XXXXXXXXXXXXLarge would suffice... ha!!! ;) Anyhow, enough of that.
Right, I decide to ask an assistant for help, at this point I clock a fine young lady giving me the eye behind the checkout, so there I am playing gaze-athon with Ms-Checkout-bird when this Older lady comes across to me and says "can I help you sir...". Shit, brain is still tripping on Ms-Checkout-bird, thus, am caught off guard....daft bastard me replies: "ermm, I'm after these shorts, have you got em in a small?"...to which she replies "I'm not sure but I know someone who will". So....guess what happened next? Older lady shouts, and I do mean SHOUTS....."KATH, THIS GENTLEMEN WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'VE GOT ANY OF THESE BRIEFS IN A SMALL!!!"...firstly, where the fuck did 'briefs come into it? they were like shorts/trunks(yep, kinda irrelevant but it mattered at the time!), secondly, Older lady has a sly side grin on her face, and thirdly who is 'Kath'?....Ohhh Kath of course is 'Ms-Checkout-bird'. She comes bolting from behind the checkout. All coolness on my part has now departed. Feeling proper embarrassed and for want of a better word 'small', the older lady now turns to me, looks me straight in my eyes and says..."She's a good girl this one, not sure if her department does smalls tho, it'll be interesting to see how you get on..." that said, the older lady departs and Ms-Checkout-bird(Kath) arrives, first thing she says to me is "what did my mum just say to ya, I know what she's like!!!"....my face drops, jaw drops, the penny drops!!!....first thought that came into my head was "BITCH.....I'll give her ten out of ten for that!".
And so to the happy ending....I did get my smalls, I did get publicly shamed (x10), and I've maybe got a little date at the weekend. So, as the saying goes, "Great things cum in small packages...." ;)
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[02 Feb 2004|08:34pm] |
Describe one thing about yourself that only your heart does know?
My outer confidence is just a front for my inner sensitivity.
Who is your teacher, and why?
I have a son of 8, it has to be him! He taught me, swearing was unnecessary, smoking will kill me, adults can be as free as kids, and love is unconditional. In my eyes, I'm still learning, yet in his...he already knows.
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| my declaration of kaka bullshit... |
[02 Feb 2004|03:50am] |
And today's dilemma reads "where do I fit in?". It seems all other appointed positions have been took. Fishing around LiveJournal I came to a few conclusions. We have the controversialites, plenty of swearing, bucket load of attitude, and maybe a little nudity (just for the titillation factor!). Mmmm...now these peeps I like, why?.....well, the oh so controversial controversialites are so much of a breed they are actually now termed "quite normal...", this I find amusing, thus....I like. Swiftly moving on....we have the 'I's'...thus, it is all about 'I'...its about me, myself and moi. They be commenting on their own lives, not for the benefit of themselves, for I see they truly learn nada. They be chatting for the crowd, chatting for glory infact, self recognition disguised as a sneaky case of self-gratification, but then...if they have a crowd, they must have mouths to feed. And speaking of mouths to feed, we get to the 'babes', otherwise known as the yes people of the net. They crave acceptance, they seek a word, a gesture...a sign that they exist. Some sad, some bad....but in truth they be the same, sucklers of the Divine nipple named recognition.
As for me, well....I'm the same as most, probably a little bit of all of the above, ultimately desiring to be original in a not so original existence. I'm not even free to be a geek these days, the slot has already been claimed. Maybe its better if I choose a different existence in each moment, move with the flow and play it by ear. A little mystery never done no one no harm....mmmm....so maybe this is it, today I'll be the LJ 'I-love-and-hang-on-your-every-word-fuckwit' and tomorrow I'll be mr 'I-am-knowledgeable-humorous-and-have-a-fanbase-of-3000-fuckwit'...or maybe I'll be another type of fuckwit, the list is endless. If what I see 'really' is a representation of the world then I believe I'm getting worried.
Please, be feisty because you are, hate me cuz you mean it, love me as you love your own. I promise the same back, a little bit of realness in a not so realistic world would be nice. The fucker of the planet is called Bush, another name for cunt....come on, someone is taking the cosmic piss with us. Okay, this is me over and out, and please remember....beautiful people are only beautiful from the inside out, no content = no way!!! Until the day when people are recognised by their auras as opposed to their clinique-loreal-versace-styled-fake-ass-selves I'll continue to take the piss with all of y'all, when the time comes you better be ready, till then....nuff love ;) Over and out for real...
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| twisted shout... |
[31 Jan 2004|01:04am] |
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am in the process of finishing off the post-christmas drinks.....white rum all round then!!! but seriously, I'm feeling it now! Speaking of feeling it, I've noticed a bout of 'jungle fever' doing the rounds at the moment. Black on white, white on indian, indian on irish, irish on chinese, chinese on black...(and this is just part of it!) So, it seems the season for breeding is upon us. The one thing I do respect about this country (UK) is the tolerance, you are actually free to live how you see fit. Fair enough, not everyone's coolio, but the majority are open. An interesting melting pot indeed. Anyhow, its friday, I ain't been smoking for 3 days, and I'm feeling kinda hyper. The rumz nearly done and I'm devoid of any other stimulants. Choices are:
a) hit the street
b) hit bed
five minutes just went by, as such I figure I'm too pissed to go anywhere, thus I have more choices:
a) hit the bed
b) the floor...
au revoir for now
(p.s: the floor looks inviting!)
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| Round we go... |
[29 Jan 2004|02:00am] |
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On reading what I've already written, I have to take the time an state..."in this moment I feel calm, quietly confident...put simply....I feel like me." All the rage, all the fire...its manifesting into something more. Changing my life before my eyes. Strange...but true!
I've been questioning the whole love & light thing. Maybe its beginning to make sense. I'm not questioning what L&L stands for, am questioning where many of the paths have led us. How effective has it made us in truly championing our cause? I think some things were said to guide us, to get us to a certain position. We are here, thus there are new choices to be made based on new perception. Ever evolving beings choose ever evolving choices....right?
So, I still believe in love. I still believe in the greater good. I believe in something that I feel, something science can't explain, something religion doesn't fulfil...this 'thing' of mine, it heals, it gives, it smiles when your down....its patient, many times silent, yet still always there, it always draws me back. As said...I believe.
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[29 Jan 2004|01:41am] |
guess we get a jump start when planets line up...
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| Identifying you... |
[21 Jan 2004|11:15pm] |
Feeling more centered. Still got that little activist/vigilante flava, but slightly more mellow and disciplined today. Feel more contemplative and thoughtful, feel to speak less words and take more action.
Guess the only thing to do is make a mark (or die trying). I know it’s just a journey, agreed...totally cliché, but hey..that’s the way it is, bag it, take it, believe it. Don't care to change minds, only to talk to those who already know, those who already feel. You’re the only ones I care about now, you and the children of the world. That said, I guess we are the children of the world. Most of us meek, transmission is mild. I hear that voice again...“remember all that you see, all that you experience…there’ll be questions later!.” At present this still isn't our world, at present the market is for the ruff & tuff. ‘Ruff & tuff’...come on, behave yourself....PLEASE!!! Religion, politics, media and sex. The whores of reality no doubt. Live by fear, die in love. As said, a journey...and all this is just scenery. The people, my friends, my loves, my hates...all part of my play, all part of my game called 'life'. What is your game like? Are you enjoying it?....or denying it?
This fire in my belly is growing. Who said men can't give birth? Maybe it’s my turn to play, my turn to take pot-shots at the system, take pot-shots at myself(?). Advertising, marketing and branding indeed, maybe the things that are used to separate and identify us are the same tools that may set us free?...but then...aren't we already free?
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| punk-ass-bitch... |
[20 Jan 2004|10:17pm] |
And so, continuing in the same vain, I wrote this for an ex...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,xxxxxxxxxx,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
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| Starting Points... |
[20 Jan 2004|09:55pm] |
Figure I have to begin with belated greetings, as such...Happy New Year an all that!!!
The year kicks off in dodgy fashion, couple of fights, some messy situations and it looks like I've re-invented myself. Happy New Year indeed methinks! If the world's going up shit creek I guess I might as well follow. Infact, two fingers up at the system seems to make sense. Angel wings have gone, armour plated breastplates seem to be back in fashion.
I had a vision the other day. I see this little kid sitting in a corner. Combats sagging, hoody over his head. The kids being flanked by four burley security guards, all looking mean, all dressed in black(?). I get the notion this kid is part of me, a part that I've chose to neglect. It seems I've had my inner-rude-bwoy on hold.....well...shit changes, the gloves are off, the kids free.
Have been living in the world of bliss & harmony, all was warranted, all was acceptable. I left myself open for others to take the piss, but now...well now, these movements are of the past. Don't get me wrong, I'm still for the cause, and in truth, its all about love, all about the Oneness. But the fuzzy happy shit, well that's been most definitely grounded for sure. In this new incarnation "Jesus chooses not to turn the other cheek....", nuff said.
Hello World....I do believe I've arrived(again!) :)
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| Testpress... |
[20 Dec 2003|07:10pm] |
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at the request of a friend I make my first post. Oi bright-eyes, you happy now :). Thus, I be a virgin no more....
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